→ in which 2014!Castiel tells 2014!Balthazar about the plan to kill Lucifer, and Balthazar keeps his old promise to his brother.
Sebastian Roché on Castiel & Balthazar
“You’re not supposed to get worse, Cas, you’re supposed to get better.”
“And you’re not supposed to apologize for it, Christ.”
Cas lets out a weak laugh.
Bal runs a shaky hand through his hair and collapses into the seat beside the hospital bed, knuckles quickly turning white with how hard he grips the side of it. The pain keeps Cas from moving too quickly but he reaches his own hand over to cover Bal’s and squeeze it gently. Bal keeps his eyes on his knees and tries to breathe, stomach churning and chest tight, all of his fear and grief making him nauseous.
“It’s okay,” Cas smiles through his oxygen mask, “God has a plan, and if this is how I fit into it, then so be it.”
Bal lets out a rough laugh and pulls his hand away, leaning back in the chair to look at Cas, eyes wet and lips trembling.
“No offense, Cas, but fuck all your religious crap. I can’t take it, not now. Not when you’re like this.”
“You believed in Him, too—”
“Yeah, when I was ten and I wasn’t watching you die,” Bal spits, and Cas visibly flinches, hand falling away to rest on his stomach. Another wave of nausea and guilt rolls through him and he sits back up, reaching over the sides of the bed and taking Cas’ hand in his. “I can’t forgive him, Cas, I’m sorry.”
“He loves us, even if it seems like He’s letting us suffer,” Cas tries to assure him, but Bal shakes his head and squeezes his fingers around Cas’, thumb stroking the inside of his palm.
“But I love you. More than He could ever love any one of us.”
Cas sighs but lifts his other hand, fingers wrapping weakly around the collar of Bal’s shirt and tugging gently. Bal pushes out of the chair and leans over the bed, helping Cas pull his oxygen mask back and pressing a soft kiss to his mouth. He can’t stay without it long, and Bal has to pull away and watch him settle it back on his face, but he kisses slowly up Cas’ cheek to his hairline, their fingers still entwined where they hold the mask in place.
#Thanks to Misha and Sebastian’s brilliant acting there are dozens of ‘little moments’ throughout this scene that say so much #And this exchange is one of my absolute favorites #Balthazar is just gazing so adoringly at Cas at first with his usual ‘You’re the center of my universe’ look #and it’s like away from war and duty in this room where it’s finally just the two of them again together after so much separation#Balthazar is genuinely happy- something he most likely hasn’t felt in years #But then Cas- in trying to say all the right things- says all the wrong ones #and reminds Balthazar of all the destruction and grief and trauma that has been life as an angel and his face just FALLS hard #but the real kicker to me is that Balthazar is so careful not to let it happen until he steps out of Cas’s direct eyesight #and Cas can’t see his face anymore- can’t see what’s written all over it #As you can see so well in the last cap Balthazar is completely haunted by the past at that moment and it’s tearing open old wounds #Balthazar CAN’T let Castiel see that because Castiel is the one person he’s vulnerable with #and Balthazar doesn’t ever want to be vulnerable again #Look at Cas’s face in the second one- how hard he’s fixated on Balthazar and studying him#Desperately looking for a sign of his Balthazar because as he tells him- voice heavy with emotion #Castiel KNOWS Balthazar and he knows this isn’t him #And that’s exactly the problem. If Castiel sees him like this he’ll get how broken Balthzar is #but Balthazar can’t even admit that to himself #He needs to believe this is really who he is now so he doesn’t give Cas the chance to prove him wrong #doesn’t turn back around until his mask is firmly in place and he’s ready to smirk and quip about being no common thief #Notice what Balthazar does later this same scene after he displays what must be a hell of a lot more genuine emotion #than he could possibly be comfortable with the ‘what difference does it make/’it will never stop’ outburst? When he lets Cas see too much? #He turns his back- he hides again #takes a drink and hides his face and he doesn’t turn back around until he’s been able to recompose and put that mask back on #Just like how his face doesn’t display his total heartbreak in 6.21 until Cas bows his head and won’t see #Just as he doesn’t have all that agonizing worry and regret written so clearly across his face until Cas turns his back to him in 6.22
After the war which Balthazar supposedly died in, Castiel was a wreck. He lost more than just another fellow soldier - he lost a friend, a brother, a lover. He mourned Balthazar’s death for a long time which seemed like…